Die Hard... Oops, Never Die

For some reason I decided to watch movies that are released as a series. Killing time at home had to be done in three ways - one, go online, browse and participate the discussions in my favourite automotive site, Gearheads.in, two, read, three, watch a movie. #1 requires a decent internet connection, my GPRS isn't up to the mark, so it's frustrating. #2 requires light and late at night I'll be inviting cold stares and maybe coldblooded punches too, from my roomie. That leaves me with one option - watch movies. No, I'm not a movie buff. Ah, I've digressed from where I began. Movie series, yes, they make such movies to either build upon the acclaim the first one received, or, when they can't think of another set of characters, another set of actors, and most important of all, another name.

So there I was, with the four Die Hard movies. Though I'd watched them all long long ago, thanks to HBO and Star Movies, I forgot the plot. Started with Die Hard and ended up with a fast forwarded viewing of Die Hard 4. Bruce Willis is The Man. He's just a cop, just a cop - a cop who has every quality that we see in the cops of Bangalore City - the kind of cops that flag you down if you have a non-Karnataka registration plate, and charge some felony like "Attempt to murder", "Rash speeding" when all you were doing would've been inching in the packed-like-sardines traffic and the noteworthy point being, telling you 'swalpa adjust madi settle madi' and pocket a hundred rupees note or two and let you go without a challan/ticket. Just a cop who asks another cop to do him a favour by turning a blind eye to the No Parking sign.

John McClaine, the epitome of stamina, can endure any kind of blow. Even gunshots. He even fires through his own shoulder to kill a villain. Still, he lives. He kicks ass, literally. No matter how much ever he gets hit, his face would remain fresh. Not a scar, not a spot. Did I say gunshot? Oh yeah, I did. John McClaine can run across a full company of gunmen firing at him with sophisticated automatic sub-machine guns, yet go unscathed. While running, he can shoot and take down each and every single gunman with his automatic pistol. And he has an unlimited supply of bullets. If he gets hit, he simply groans and then he hits back. If he hits a thug, the thug falls down without making a sound. If he shoots at a thug, the thug drops dead instantaneously. If a thug shoots at him, it misses.

So much about gunfire and blows. John McClaine can say anything to anyone. Doesn't matter if it's another cop, a civilian, a villain or a hijacker. John McClain can drive through red lights, footpaths, parks, malls, anywhere he can fit a car - just like the bikers and 3-wheeled contraptions found in Indian cities - give them an inch of space and you find a dozen of them over there. John McClaine must've been brought up in Bangalore of Chennai for sure. John McClaine can run after air planes and get on board. He can take any car from anyone by just showing his LAPD badge.

Thinking about driving, another movie worth mentioning is 2012. It's made by the great total annihilation specialist, Roland Emmerich. Salute him to have come up with so many novel ideas of complete destruction that leaves just a few Americans on the planet. The protagonist is driving a luxury sedan while everything around them is shaking violently because of the quake. He just drives along a straight line and everything that falls down, does it behind the car, or waits for the car to pass. Even without mobile towers, he can speak to people over mobile phones.

To control my laughter as i write all this, I've decided to list out some random things that Hollywood and Bollywood movies have taught us (Statements about Rajinikanth not included as I want to live for a few more years)

• The hero's car never gets damaged to the point that it ceases to run. However, the bad guys' cars will be rendered useless by just grazing on something
• While shooting, the hero never misses and the villains almost always miss the target
• On a vehicle chase, nobody bothers to shoot at the other car's tyres but try to pulverize the windshields
• A loaded truck, if driven by the hero, can go faster than Michael Schumacher
• Aliens always attack the USA, and it's almost always Area 51 that they target
• If it's a war movie, the American soldiers are always young and handsome. Russians and East Asians will invariably be middle-aged and ugly. 
• A plain-jane Nokia 3310 can be used to hack into the FBI servers
• Cracking passwords and firewalls is a piece of cake for spies
• James Bond, Ethan Hunt, John McClaine etc can run over an open area in full view of a hundred gunmen shooting at them and still shoot all of them down with just a handgun. The same is true for their Indian counterparts too.
• All American schools teach only baseball, basket ball and rugby. And sometimes they have rock bands and dance clubs too. No subject classes
• If it's an Indian movie, the police would arrive at the climax of a violent stunt and pick up all the bad guys and congratulate the hero. Doesn't matter who called the police
• Villains would always try to kill the hero after telling them the full stories of deception and crimes, and they find ingenious ways to kill them, which, fail nevertheless
• Karan Johar's families are always settled in Europe and the US.
• Mammootty and Mohanlal though in their fifties (or is it sixties?) in real life, can romance with girls in their twenties and below.
• Time bombs are very aesthetic and ergonomic. They have time readouts and a button to stop the timer
• If a car's brakes happen to fail, the car would pick up unimaginable speeds and the hero who is otherwise an expert driver won't be able to control the car or its speed
• Lights would flicker for no reason if there's a villain inside the building.

The list can go on, but I've had my quota of laughter, and have to stop, or else I'll die of suffocation!!!